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the crucial thing is tae get these flaps open"; where consumerism eats people, where abuse will breed abuse, sadistic things will happen to dogs, bees, rabbits and people and, most importantly, the tables will turn. They always turn: Welsh is incomparably moral as a writer, as chillingly and unexpectedly righteous as the Lou Reed song "Perfect Day", which enjoys its brief druggy haze while telling its listeners not to forget that we'll reap what we sow. With Welsh, similarly, what you live by, you'll inevitably die by. But the latest novel has a lightness new to Welsh and a ludicrous, http://tubetria.mobi/ joyfully spelled-out plot. Porno revisits the narrative of Trainspotting nearly 10 years after the book and, crucially, six years after the film; if the film of that novel cartoonised the book's characters, then Porno - which begins in scruffy fag-end London, passes through newly upmarket Leith and ends up at the exclusive Cannes (Adult) Film Festival - traces what it's like to watch yourself become two-dimensional for money. When it comes to who's going to screw whom, Porno isn't about sex or even pornography so much as about Welsh's redefinition of what is truly pornographic. "That's the thing with sex work, it always comes down to the most basic of formulas. If you really want to see how capitalism operates, never mind Adam Smith's pin factory, this is the place to study. Utterly cynical Sick Boy Simon Williamson comes back to help gentrify 21st-century Leith by taking over a pub, the Port Sunshine,
and filming stag movies there after last orders. He decides to make his fortune making a porn film, Seven Rides for Seven Brothers. Ruptured penises unexpectedly feature. Meanwhile it's payback time, literally, for Renton, who ran off with the money at the end of Trainspotting; Spud, the innocent, has decided to write a book; and Begbie, the psychopathic monster of the original, is out of prison looking to kill whoever it was who sent him "poof's porn" through the post while he was inside. Other characters turn up from other books (most welcome is Dianne, the lovingly fantasised underage schoolgirl of Trainspotting, now an equally fantasised clever girl who loves good sex and is writing a thesis about sex-workers. The new addition to the usual suspects - the worm in the innards of Porno - is the voice of the game porn star and failed gymnast Nikki Fuller-Smith, pert, beautiful, English, film studies student by day and (inevitably) sex-worker by night. Nikki, of course, is a two-dimensional creation herself, an upmarket Welshian exercise in stereotyping, desperate for sexual satisfaction and fame as a means of control, happy to have her cake and throw it up, as Welsh puts it, to keep herself in the sexual running. The novel takes a while to get going and only really comes alive 100 pages in, when Begbie re-enters the drama; as with the Dodger and Fagin in Dickens's Oliver Twist, the bad bastard is the life and rotted soul of the novel. In fact, the force of Begbie blows the two-dimensional boys and girls away. What I'd give to see Welsh find a female creation to match this force. But such a girl, unhaveable, undismissable and uncategorisable, couldn't exist in Welshworld, where everything and everybody, not just the girls, are simplified, categorised and had. Some of Welsh's most brilliant writing here is a poke at new Scottish identity, a set-piece where the disenfranchised Spud goes to the Edinburgh Room in the library to begin writing the history of democracy in his town, but is terrified there by his own unsuitability: "It felt tae ays like I was breakin in, man. Spud and Begbie, the invisible-made-visible, the lowlifes that Sick Boy doesn't want in his pub, are now the only speakers of full dialect in this book's new Leith, and Porno's finest pornographic revelation comes in another moment of unexpected pathos where Begbie, desperate to get rid of his migraine, is opening a box of Nurofen, a brand he's never heard of because he's been in jail. Welsh shows with an extraordinary lightness of touch how the brand objectifies the man; how a man has become, as it were, less than the pill he's taking. It's in this performance of a pornographic world, in the raging scathing of it, that Welsh's moral universe - haunting and pervasive - kicks in, and, yes, Welsh gets it up, he shoots, he scores; one more time, Welsh on form. What to expect in Season 3 of My Dad Wrote a Porno. The author? A middle aged, retired father of four who goes by the penname Rocky Flintstone - and who just so happens to be Jamie's dad. However far from turning on the average reader, it's a tear-inducingly hilarious look into the workings of a fifty-something man's mind - the sort of storytelling that has made at least one fan almost crash their car during the course of an episode (and has made this fan frequently fall into laughing fits on his morning commute. After two series, a live tour and a book. My Dad Wrote a Porno has become a bona fide global phenomenon with its own fan following (shout out to the "Berlinkers"). So, in advance of season three, we asked the stars of the show to come to Vogue House to talk about what we can expect from the latest book, who they'd cast in the film and the characters' possible general election affiliations. Watch the full Facebook Live above, and read all the highlights below. GQ: What is the most shocking thing a fan has given you? Jamie: We did get given a buttplug once from a fan. James: One with a horse’s tail on it. Jamie: In fact I think [James] has still got it. James: I do still have it. It’s in the drawer, but it’s still in the packet. Jamie and Alice: Sure. Welcome to S-Town: your Serial replacement podcast is here. From the makers of Serial, S-Town is the most compulsive and downright strangest true-crime podcast to date.

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