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Ruptured penises unexpectedly feature. Meanwhile it's payback time, literally, for Renton, who ran off with the money at the end of Trainspotting; Spud, the innocent, has decided to write a book; and Begbie, the psychopathic monster of the original, is out of prison looking to kill whoever it was who sent him "poof's porn" through the post while he was inside. Other characters turn up from other books (most welcome is Dianne, the lovingly fantasised underage schoolgirl of Trainspotting, now an equally fantasised clever girl who loves good sex and is writing a thesis about sex-workers. The new addition to the usual suspects - the worm in the innards of Porno - is the voice of the game porn star and failed gymnast Nikki Fuller-Smith, pert, beautiful, http://tubetria.mobi/ English, film studies student by day and (inevitably) sex-worker by night. Nikki, of course, is a two-dimensional creation herself, an upmarket Welshian exercise in stereotyping, desperate for sexual satisfaction and fame as a means of control, happy to have her cake and throw it up, as Welsh puts it, to keep herself in the sexual running. The novel takes a while to get going and only really comes alive 100 pages in, when Begbie re-enters the drama; as with the Dodger and Fagin in Dickens's Oliver Twist, the bad bastard is the life and rotted soul of the novel. In fact, the force of Begbie blows the two-dimensional boys and girls away.
What I'd give to see Welsh find a female creation to match this force. But such a girl, unhaveable, undismissable and uncategorisable, couldn't exist in Welshworld, where everything and everybody, not just the girls, are simplified, categorised and had. Some of Welsh's most brilliant writing here is a poke at new Scottish identity, a set-piece where the disenfranchised Spud goes to the Edinburgh Room in the library to begin writing the history of democracy in his town, but is terrified there by his own unsuitability: "It felt tae ays like I was breakin in, man. Spud and Begbie, the invisible-made-visible, the lowlifes that Sick Boy doesn't want in his pub, are now the only speakers of full dialect in this book's new Leith, and Porno's finest pornographic revelation comes in another moment of unexpected pathos where Begbie, desperate to get rid of his migraine, is opening a box of Nurofen, a brand he's never heard of because he's been in jail. Welsh shows with an extraordinary lightness of touch how the brand objectifies the man; how a man has become, as it were, less than the pill he's taking. It's in this performance of a pornographic world, in the raging scathing of it, that Welsh's moral universe - haunting and pervasive - kicks in, and, yes, Welsh gets it up, he shoots, he scores; one more time, Welsh on form. What to expect in Season 3 of My Dad Wrote a Porno. The author? A middle aged, retired father of four who goes by the penname Rocky Flintstone - and who just so happens to be Jamie's dad. However far from turning on the average reader, it's a tear-inducingly hilarious look into the workings of a fifty-something man's mind - the sort of storytelling that has made at least one fan almost crash their car during the course of an episode (and has made this fan frequently fall into laughing fits on his morning commute. After two series, a live tour and a book. My Dad Wrote a Porno has become a bona fide global phenomenon with its own fan following (shout out to the "Berlinkers"). So, in advance of season three, we asked the stars of the show to come to Vogue House to talk about what we can expect from the latest book, who they'd cast in the film and the characters' possible general election affiliations. Watch the full Facebook Live above, and read all the highlights below. GQ: What is the most shocking thing a fan has given you? Jamie: We did get given a buttplug once from a fan. James: One with a horse’s tail on it. Jamie: In fact I think [James] has still got it. James: I do still have it. It’s in the drawer, but it’s still in the packet. Jamie and Alice: Sure. Welcome to S-Town: your Serial replacement podcast is here. From the makers of Serial, S-Town is the most compulsive and downright strangest true-crime podcast to date. By Jonathan Heaf. The general election ’s coming up. How do you think the characters in Belinda Blinked will be voting? Jamie: Belinda loves Theresa May - those kitten heels! She would not be happy about Corbyn slashing corporation tax. She’s very pro-business. Alice: I think Sterling would be right wing. Jamie: He’s a Republican definitely. James: I think Bella, who’s a bit thick, would probably forget to even register to vote. Alice: Although this suggests that the book is set in the present day, which is really ambiguous. There are lots of “ye olde” references. They might be living in a time when John Major’s in power, we don’t know. You’ve got a book out now. What do you do in the book more than what’s in the podcast? Jamie: We took the first book of Belinda Blinked and we decided to treat it like it was one of the classics: Shakespeare, Austen, something you’d study in school. So our book is a spoof study guide of Belinda Blinked - there’s character profiles, there’s key themes, there’s a sex tree about how everyone is connected. Alice: It’s like York Notes. If you never got round to reading the book, it’s like a cheat’s guide to it. Although we do hope that one day it’ll be on a syllabus and this will be the official book that’s stocked in schools. Jamie: Also what’s really great is that there’s special author notes from dad. For each chapter there’s a bit of his process, where his inspiration came from, why he wrote it - which actually he doesn't answer. Alice, since you’ve just written a cookbook. what would Belinda serve for a dinner party? Alice: She’s only had about three meals in the past ten months. What’s she had so far? Jamie: She’s had a full English.

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